It’s that time of year where automotive bloggers/journalists/whatevers everywhere publish their automotive Christmas wish lists. Just use Google and you can read all about how badly your favourite car writer wants a Lamborghini Aventador, some sort of Bluetooth device, and a set of F1 tickets from Santa.
I’ll offer my advice in a different way: If you’re clueless on what to get that car buff on your Christmas list, do them a favour and read my list of things you should never buy a gearhead as a present.
As a first step, get them a gift card. Usually, these are offensively unoriginal and tell the recipient you only remembered their existence while at the superstore for toilet paper and lunch meat. For a car-nut though getting, say, a Canadian Tire gift card for Christmas brings joy, smiles and man-happiness for days to come.
If you need to buy an actual gift, keep the following in mind: My name is Justin Pritchard. I have a cool car. I’m a car-nut. And like thousands of my brothers and sisters, I don’t want any of the following crap for Christmas:
Air Fresheners
A car-buff wants his ride to smell like fragrant leather, slightly burned motor oil and plastic panels that are slowly leaching noxious chemicals into the cabin. No car-buff wants his ride smelling like cherries, orchards or anything related to plant growth. Bacon air fresheners are, however, acceptable and encouraged.
A Car Wash Kit
Car wash kits are OK as gifts for dad if he drives a Camry. Anyone with a hot car wants to spend about 45 minutes every spring in their favourite car-care aisle contemplating which wash/glaze/polish/soap is best. This important springtime ritual is a vital part of manliness -- and an extremely personal voyage that shouldn’t be denied. Buying car cleaning products is like buying underwear as a gift: you’ll probably get it wrong.
Stick On Chrome
Does it have chrome on one side and a peel-and-stick adhesive on the back? If so, I’ll probably peel-and-stick it to the inside of the nearest garbage can while you’re gone for an eggnog refill. Chrome is always the wrong choice -- unless the recipient is 5'3” and drives a Ford Super Duty with smokestack exhausts and a lift kit.
Stick Figure Families
Just don’t.
Steering Wheel Covers
No car-nut, anywhere, has ever put a steering-wheel cover on their steering wheel -- ever. Leave this one on the shelf with the cartoon floor mats and Hello Kitty seat covers.
Truck Nuts
Are you the zany, jovial, creepy uncle type? Fight the temptation to get your car enthusiast a set of Truck Nuts, which are the most offensive things on the road since Ford Super Duty’s with smokestack exhausts and lift-kits. These bumper-mounted testicle replicas do nothing but identify their user as an idiot to anyone they share the road with because (as everyone knows) vehicles are female and don’t have nuts. Truck Nuts are even worse when hung from a car instead of a truck. Nuts have their place -- and hanging from a car bumper isn’t one of them.
I’ll offer my advice in a different way: If you’re clueless on what to get that car buff on your Christmas list, do them a favour and read my list of things you should never buy a gearhead as a present.
As a first step, get them a gift card. Usually, these are offensively unoriginal and tell the recipient you only remembered their existence while at the superstore for toilet paper and lunch meat. For a car-nut though getting, say, a Canadian Tire gift card for Christmas brings joy, smiles and man-happiness for days to come.
If you need to buy an actual gift, keep the following in mind: My name is Justin Pritchard. I have a cool car. I’m a car-nut. And like thousands of my brothers and sisters, I don’t want any of the following crap for Christmas:
Air Fresheners
A car-buff wants his ride to smell like fragrant leather, slightly burned motor oil and plastic panels that are slowly leaching noxious chemicals into the cabin. No car-buff wants his ride smelling like cherries, orchards or anything related to plant growth. Bacon air fresheners are, however, acceptable and encouraged.
A Car Wash Kit
Car wash kits are OK as gifts for dad if he drives a Camry. Anyone with a hot car wants to spend about 45 minutes every spring in their favourite car-care aisle contemplating which wash/glaze/polish/soap is best. This important springtime ritual is a vital part of manliness -- and an extremely personal voyage that shouldn’t be denied. Buying car cleaning products is like buying underwear as a gift: you’ll probably get it wrong.
Stick On Chrome
Does it have chrome on one side and a peel-and-stick adhesive on the back? If so, I’ll probably peel-and-stick it to the inside of the nearest garbage can while you’re gone for an eggnog refill. Chrome is always the wrong choice -- unless the recipient is 5'3” and drives a Ford Super Duty with smokestack exhausts and a lift kit.
Stick Figure Families
Just don’t.
Steering Wheel Covers
No car-nut, anywhere, has ever put a steering-wheel cover on their steering wheel -- ever. Leave this one on the shelf with the cartoon floor mats and Hello Kitty seat covers.
Truck Nuts
Are you the zany, jovial, creepy uncle type? Fight the temptation to get your car enthusiast a set of Truck Nuts, which are the most offensive things on the road since Ford Super Duty’s with smokestack exhausts and lift-kits. These bumper-mounted testicle replicas do nothing but identify their user as an idiot to anyone they share the road with because (as everyone knows) vehicles are female and don’t have nuts. Truck Nuts are even worse when hung from a car instead of a truck. Nuts have their place -- and hanging from a car bumper isn’t one of them.
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| Photo: Lesley Wimbush |