The big guy in red is ramping up to deliver some pretty awesome stuff to your living room in a few weeks, and that means you better have your best goody-two-shoes attitude at the forefront.
Wait. Who are we kidding? If you own or drive one of the below cars, we’re sorry to tell you but you ain’t gonna see nothin’ but coal for some time. But that’s OK because you’ll want it to burn more fuel for burnouts, drag races, and general hooniganism.
Ah, who cares about presents, anyways? Right?!
GMC Yukon XL Denali
As you strut around town, teacup Chihuahua in lap, behind the wheel of your ‘Murican SUV with seating for nine, your general disregard for all things environmental is staggering. And as the polar bears outside Santa’s North Pole hut beg for refuge from their melting ice caps, you’ll be sipping on your Starbuck’s ice capp while you burn 18-20L/100km with your honking great 420 horsepower 6.2L V8.
Jaguar F-Type Coupe R
It is so very, very good to be bad -- and Jaguar knows it. Slumbering babies with visions of sugarplum things dancing in their brains? No problem. Just keep the naughty kitty in first gear, accelerate, then release said foot from throttle. Pop, bang, fart: pure perverse perfection. Santa will hear the F-Type Coupe R’s exhaust from his toyshop -- and wish he were behind the wheel, too.
Subaru WRX STI
Snow + AWD + turbocharged madness = Dorifto. Need we say more? You could always write “Neverlift” in the snow for St. Nick to see (and hopefully chuckle at) as he cruises overhead, but we doubt that’ll make a difference as you spool, blow-off and flat-4 rumble your way through abandoned parking lots making perfect Subie snow-angels along the way. Drift on, young man, drift on.
Of course there’s a BMW on this list, how could there not be? The moment you get behind the wheel of a Bimmer your *sshole status increases by leaps and bounds. Add an “M” to the rear badge and you’re in the stratosphere of dickdom. Drape the M4 in Austin Yellow and my God it’s like you’ve peed all over winter, and Christmas.
Dodge Challenger HELLCAT
Essentially, you’re giving Santa Claus the middle finger every time you get behind the wheel. And we fully approve. Rudolph will be quivering in his hay-lined stall the moment this beast barks to life. With over 700 horsepower, even if Jolly St. Nick wanted to sit you down and give you a good talking to, he’d have a helluva time catching up to you no matter how desperately he called on Donner, Dancer, Prancer and the rest of the sissy reindeer who’ll be left in a cloud of your rear-tire smoke.