- Helping you drive happy

Top 10 useless or annoying car features

Lane departure systems

The worse offenders will steer the car back into the lane you should be in, as decided by the car. If you want to slowly move over to the adjacent lane without signalling, the car will try to bring you back to where you were. Who the hell does this car think he/she is? Thankfully, most can be deactivated. 

No. 9 
Intelligent cruise

Dumb cruise is what it should be called. Actually, when the system works, it can be useful especially the more sophisticated ones that will brake and accelerate for you in traffic. Problems arise when the sensors get dirty or grimy and the system will not work at all; after all, most of North America does not know rain, sleet, snow, slush, sand, dirt or other conditions outside of pure sunshine… 

No. 8 
Most Korean car chime

They sound terrible, are irritating and increasingly (as the population gets older) the chimes get louder. Shoot me. 

No. 7 
Non-horn exterior lock/unlock remote chimes

When I press the lock or unlock button on my remote, I expect a quick and brisk horn blast not a high-pitched, child-toy-like beep recorded with an ‘80s Casio PT-1 synthesizer, thank you very much. 

No. 6 
Power base/manual back seat adjustments

The Germans have pretty much figured this one out, and long ago. The base should be manual while the seatback should be power. Power adjustments for the back allow for a countless amount of angles, aiding in finding the right angle for the driver’s torso and, subsequently, his or her elbows. Bending the knees a degree or more has far less an impact on the driver’s driving position. Fix this, people. 

No. 5

I hate them. Always have, always will. Of the dozen or so cars I’ve called my own over the last two decades, only my WRX is without. As such, it suffers from no water or air infiltration or rattles, and my head will be spared getting cooked when driving -- cause if you love sunroofs, why would you keep the sunshade shut?

No. 4 
Steering wheels with stupid fat spokes

I can think of a few cars I’ve recently driven that should have been a complete blast to drive but weren’t because of a poorly designed steering wheel destined to hold various buttons and not be properly held at 9 and 3 by normal-size hands. This one, I truly don’t get. 

No. 3
Running boards on everything but full-size trucks

I think a few car OEMs are trying to start a new trend: dirty calves. They are pointless, typically too close to the door are inches from the doorsills and in the winter or on a rainy day or when playing in the mud with a certain compact pickup they get covered in crap. I’ve tried to spare my pant legs and have managed, but I’ve dropped my phone, coffee and lunch in the process of jumping out of the car (an Acura ZDX is NOT a truck). Pointless, I say. And they’re generally ugly to boot. 

No. 2
Digitized or otherwise channelled exhaust sounds

OMG do I hate this feature. Be it in the Ford Focus ST, Volkswagen Jetta GLI or any other car, I don’t want a fake enhanced or channelled intake or exhaust note to bleed into the cabin through the car’s audio system or from under the dash. These sporty cars exist to impress others so the sound has to be on the outside, not the inside. You’ll get the girl thanks to your turbocharged 4-cylinder engine as you cruise by. Once she’s in, it’s Barry Manilow time. 

No. 1 
ECO buttons 

Who in this world actually uses these? Seriously, if your car has an ECO button (do you even know if your car has an ECO button?), when was the last time you pressed it? Tell the truth, now!